Dear Asshole,
Are you for real? Meaning, is this literally an actual sign that you have drawn and then taped to your actual truck window without irony? The reason I ask is that I couldn't help but notice your California license plates and I think you might be pulling my leg.
Hey buddy. Sorry, again, that I attempted to give you antibiotics. It was bad enough I hauled you to the vet for emergency feline urethra roto-rootering ($1,050 on the 24% APR Visa, but who's counting?). Next time I hear you growling to yourself in pain under the couch, I'll just make everything better with my magic fucking wand. I don't know why I didn't think of that in the first place.
Dear Verizon Stereo Earset Headset,
This is the year we're finally going to get you sold on eBay. I have a good feeling about this one. There just has to be someone in the American heartland / the third world / the recent past that still needs you. Don't lose faith. I haven't.
Dear confusing shirt -
Why have you teleported out of an underground record store collective in 1992 Little Rock and into the supermarket I currently shop at? Did the asshole with the sign in his truck put you up to this?
