Monday, May 24, 2010

Highlights: Day 15,000 on Earth

Dear Asshole,

Are you for real? Meaning, is this literally an actual sign that you have drawn and then taped to your actual truck window without irony? The reason I ask is that I couldn't help but notice your California license plates and I think you might be pulling my leg.

Hey buddy. Sorry, again, that I attempted to give you antibiotics. It was bad enough I hauled you to the vet for emergency feline urethra roto-rootering ($1,050 on the 24% APR Visa, but who's counting?). Next time I hear you growling to yourself in pain under the couch, I'll just make everything better with my magic fucking wand. I don't know why I didn't think of that in the first place.

Dear Verizon Stereo Earset Headset,

This is the year we're finally going to get you sold on eBay. I have a good feeling about this one. There just has to be someone in the American heartland / the third world / the recent past that still needs you. Don't lose faith. I haven't.

Dear confusing shirt -

Why have you teleported out of an underground record store collective in 1992 Little Rock and into the supermarket I currently shop at? Did the asshole with the sign in his truck put you up to this?