Friday, June 19, 2009

Physical Flaws, Part 2

FROM THE ARCHIVES / CORRECTIONS DEPT. June 19 - This ran as an addendum to a column in Punk Planet 49, early 2002.

CORRECTIONS DEPARTMENT

I feel pretty dumb now for having called Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling "those two ponytailed buttholes behind energy-broker Enron" in Punk Planet 41. Lay clearly has no poneytail. More importantly, I shouldn't have even hinted at passing myself off as someone with the remotest clue as to what that company did for money. I don't. They might as well have been in the inter-dimensional mustache trade for all I comprehend. Last week, the March issue of Business 2.0 - a useless New Economy rag whose mail department has cruelly decided not to honor the expiration date of my free subscription - arrived with Mr. Lay on its cover. The caption reads Liar!, and the man's nose has been painstakingly photoshopped by an extra 5 inches. This Pinocchio bit is a common fallback in the business magazine world, the same type of intellectual sloth that has music magazines running Take A Walk On The Wild Side as their article header when they can't come up with anything else. It is, one would hope, a fireable offense within the graphic design world.


But the magazine remains on my desk. I'm fascinated with this picture. Someone took the time to render the nose job as realistically as possible. It is far more brutal than Steve Martin's schnozzle in "Roxanne". Every pore and indentation and blemish has been added to this erect little face sausage. The faint cleft on the tip of Mr. Lay's real snout is faithfully retained. It's one of the most obscene things I've ever seen. The caption could just as easily read Lock Up Your Daughters! If someone from the 1950's saw this magazine, they would drop dead on the sidewalk from shock, shame, moral aneurysm. What's happening to this civilization?